Love Fear

Yesterday in Avilion I stood waiting to recite a special poem at Bard's Tales. It was the first time my new husband was there to hear me. Just as I was about to take my position in the Drum Circle, however, he disappeared. It was a disappointment because I am struggling to ensure my communication grows more effective with this man.

I could not recite the one I had planned for his hearing in front of my friends, peers and family yesterday and recited another instead. But I publish this poem here now for his eyes and the eyes of friends to see if I am making some sense yet...some will know under what circumstances it was written -- most no clue, but it holds hidden secrets waiting to be unlocked.

Love Fear
by Lady Sheridanne Kelley


I have feared love
With all its hidden demands
With its misty promises & drying skin
With its moist eyes & my own deepest concern
That once I settled on one,
I might finally find the other destined for me.

I feared love because I may have waited too long
And kept intact the memory of too much pain at its passing.
Finally I have lived long enough to know that such fear
Is groundless, pale, passionless compared to the fear
Of never having known love at all.

That is fear, indeed, to wake up each morning without anyone
To share the day or a cup of coffee with
To settle into the darkest night without cuddling or caring
Or knowing that to just someone I am worth life itself. And more.

I watched my father die &
wondered what he shared with my mother before she died,
Wondered how two, so often silent & distant,
could endure so many years.

Will I ever know what it is like to have my life cross
those boundaries that can never be crossed again?
To share a thousand laughs & tears, ten thousand meals?
To say hello & good bye, good night &
good morning beyond all counting or remembrance?
To see another through tragedy &

desperation, to wonder what life means to have a trusting form next to you?
To know that weeks soon pass like months & months into years?
To know that yesterday will not return & tomorrow is not forever?

It is not love I now fear,
but a life without love,
& every breath I breathe from this moment
will hold this fear in my mind & heart,
In the very depth of my loneliness
& every last dream I still have to share.

More than anything else, I want to hold you in my arms, gently,
Beyond hot sex & quiet security, prestige and triumph,
To say once & for all, “I love you,”
And mean it from the top of my head to the depths of my soul.

This would be the love that casts out all fear,
that will make life worth living,
That will take one man & one woman on earth
And lift them finally above every power of pain that could wound them.

I have seen so many sights, heard so many words, but none as beautiful
As the sight & sound of you as you hold me &
With your every act, your eyes & all your being, say to me
“I love you!”
Will you say them just one more time?
Or will I be condemned to live in fear of love till death?


The End