He Said, She Said. The Truth.

I hate arguing and hate the thought of trying to defend myself and those who actually know me understand this. I grew up in an abusive family and am well trained to never argue or talk back; to only listen and apologise – to promise never to do that again….whatever “that” is. So for me writing is the way I can express my concerns.

I’m not sure this makes sense in a virtual world where you can be suspect just because of the way you “assemble” the looks of your AV or the way you can spell or cast a phrase or the speed at which you cast that phrase.

In my virtual world I have many good friends and after my dad passed away (RL real life) and the departnering with the “cursed one” epic (VW virtual world) of my life, I began to isolate myself. And one of my dear friends, in fact my first real friend in a new land, came to me and asked me to be gentle on myself now and not to enter into any serious-looking relationships, but to take time to heal and to recover and to have some fun.

So I enjoyed the grand Faire and I enjoyed spending time with old friends and new people. I helped with old and new tasks, I built a memorial garden and went about the work I was given with focus and peace. It was pretty neat actually for someone who had been averaging way too many hours on the virtual world. I even began to get some rest and to have dreams.

Mistaken Identity

Then I met someone from my past (who I thought was the “long lost true love of my virtual life” -- If you're in world check my Picks.). I was so excited I forgot my friend’s warning about no new relationships for awhile. And now I am living with a new whirlwind sweeping around me, threatening to drown me and causing me grief and pain.

Yet this new person-of-mistaken-identity (who I did confess my mistaking of his identity to the moment I realised it, as well as sharing this realisation immediately with our leader, in the event he would take action of his own consideration) was being very kind and seemed so sincere and so supportive. And it was wonderful to relax and enjoy time together with someone who seemed to want to take care of things with me for awhile.

It soon became apparent, however, that he wanted every moment of my virtual time in world. If he didn’t get it he insisted on knowing who I was with and what I was doing. Even if I was in a “family role play” he would pull me away wanting to have me to himself alone.

Once as I was leasing a property to someone, he even tracked me down and came to confront, and then threaten the person, which to me seemed like an unreasonable action and certainly one I had not asked him to take. He refused to listen and I had to take action to protect the other person. To others the man-of-mistaken-identity now accuses that by this action it proves I was harbouring and protecting the “cursed one” from him by banning him from this place.

Peaceful Withdrawal

Like a gentle coitus interruptus, this man-of-mistaken-identity offered many times to “leave me in peace at just my word”. He would, he promised, “disappear without a trace never to bother me again”, the same awful and confusing threat the “cursed one” made to control me too.

Strange how many times the man-of-mistaken-identity made that promise and yet now it seems others are aware of his perspective that I wronged him. It hurts because I have, as I habitually do, tried not to hurt him and to handle this privately, at my own expense.

He now accuses me of abuse and cohorting with the identified enemy – the “cursed one” What has this man-of-mistaken-identity been seeking all this time? He accuses me of unfaithfulness (which is not true, but not relevant because we were only role play husband and wife in one realm - not in the VW or RW)!

Why should it matter so to anyone what is happening in the private lives of two virtual entities? Is this still what I inherit from the past epic with the “cursed one”?

Carrying Our Words

A great deal of cutting and pasting of words out of context seems to be going on (see earlier Blog segment on “Carrying Our Words”), as he sent our private words to those he argues his case with. Others send me his words to accuse me or vindicate me, as they see fit.

It is too hard to read them for fear they will not be accurate (having lost my great love over “doctored” I.M.s (internal private and confidential messages in the virtual world)) and they were part of our private conversations. It is like wire-tapping and then playing someone's phone conversations!

To my regret, I did send one conversation to only one person, asking for complete confidentiality, as I asked him to help me know how to better deal rightly with the man-of-mistaken-identity. And this has been used against me, even though no one should ever have known about it except this one person and myself!

Every Word Kept

I can, having had training in this way, pull every word uttered to me in private and open conversation from this man-of-mistaken-identity -- and did last night pull up all the (private) conversations in the thought that I would try to vindicate myself with the same weapon that seems to be being used against me.

There were 532 pages of private conversations since 22 October, when the man-of-mistaken-identity first entered my new realm life! And 36 pages of SKYPE chat! And that is after deleting the “more private” conversations.

But how could I choose a representative conversation or two to demonstrate what it felt like to me to feel possessed and stalked by someone who believed they loved me and couldn’t be in world without being right beside me at all times? Every conversation, might contain words, but the increasing intensity could not be felt. The conversations would all, therefore, be out of context.

600 Pages of Evidence?

Tell me who would read almost 600 pages to feel the discomfort and eventual fear for his safety and for my own? No one! This is a game not a trial!

And then the questions from the inquisitors,

“How did he abuse you?”

Answer, “He never abused me, he overwhelmed me and suffocated me.”

“Who is this person? Is he an alt of the ‘cursed one’?”

Answer to this frequently-asked-of-me question: “No.”

“Why do you comment on the ‘cursed one’s’ blog site?”

Answer: “I comment on many blog sites and did not realise my out of world, occasional comments would be of relevance.”

Over and over questions from this person and that person. Is it any wonder I don’t want to go in world?

In my other realm something like this would NEVER happen publicly but would be handled discretely behinnd the scenes -- even if not always the way anyone would like. Yet, no one but the specific parties would be involved. It would not be subjected to a public pillorying by people who neither have all the facts or seem to consider there are many facets to any situation. (Although I must commend at least three people for trying to search out facts rather than base their conclusions on opinions.)

More Pain & Loss

The fact remains, the man-of-mistaken-identity was lovely when he wasn’t pushing and stalking and insisting on possessing me -- especially when I was still in such a fragile state.

He has a right to his view of this situation as unfair and/or wrong. I know I began to grow desperate and more strong with my communications with him as time went by. He offered to step away in peace, yet, as many of his statements, they do not seem to be fulfilled in actions.

I found reading through so many of our earlier conversations heart-breaking. I did care for him a great deal. But needed time, as my dear friend told me all along. Yet had this man-of-mistaken-identity not taken such increasingly strong action with me and then such drastic and conclusive action secretly, he is certainly someone I could have grown content with.

Yet all my begging for his indulgence of my hesitation fell on dead ears, if ever so enthusiastic and eager ears. Ears so determined to convince me "right now" was the only "when". Those I turned to for wisdom and support and advice also tried to help, and for that I am grateful that they cared enough to try.

Bottom line: I am weary of the unnecessary drama caused by this. There is always my side, his side and the truth. No one but God can know the pure truth. I was fearful of his love and devotion. He was convinced I was "the one" and could not wait. The truth is it does take two to tango and two to tangle. But now, I just want to get on with my virtual life….!