French Kissing

You know what I’m finding? If I get a little more sleep, I can remember my dreams! And last night I had a dream for the first time since I last reported one to you. And this one was, as so often happens, strange and curious and filled with lessons.

I was with a man who could only speak French (I always love that accent) and we were walking along together and he put his arm around me and I was fine with that and we went see a movie and he reached over and gently pulled me toward him in the dark to kiss me.

He put his tongue in my mouth (remember when before you experienced good French kissing and it sounded so very yukkie?) and his tongue was narrow rather than wide and he kissed me and kissed me and it was wonderful, until I kissed him back. That was a mistake, because two things happened…one his cultural upbringing and education went into over drive (as did his hormones) and the clarity of his communications began to blur for me as I realised and feared the “translation” to my kissing him back. (Needless to say I woke up abruptly!)

And I thought what a perfect example that is for the dialogue we engage in with others in the real world and the virtual world.

9 Reasons Communications Succeed

I spoke of the seven reasons communications fail in an earlier blog article and now wonder why they succeed. Hummm

1. Clear understanding of definitions
2. Appreciation for cultural differences
3. Interest in the topic
4. Appropriating necessary time
5. Organising communication
6. Word choice
7. Listening
8. Emotional content
9. Listening

Definitions

Clear understanding of definitions seems rather basic, but yesterday (for example) in my virtual world I was late to a discussion group and when I arrived there was no clue as to what the topic was, so I listened. Finally I asked and was told it was “the meaning of life”. I listened more and just couldn’t engage until I took a moment to look up the word “meaning” in the dictionary, because that seemed to be where the discussion was stalled. Once the meaning of the word was clear, the discussion could actually go further in that direction.

Culture

When you think about it, the little story about the French kisser brings clarity to the understand and appreciation of cultural difference. If you ever go to Japan, for instance, and you are an American, you will easily realise there is a spacial difference to communication (in America the distance between two people speaking averages around a meter or three feet, that distance closes between Japanese to about one foot because of their cultural difference). This can be offputting because an American may see this closeness as threatening or may simply prepare for a French kiss.

Interest

Interest in the topic is rather clear as well. If you want to talk about the Democratic Party activities of an upcoming election with me you will find I have other interests as I would if you wanted to speak of Euclidean mathematical theories or for that matter maths in general.

Time

Both in my real life and my virtual life I am too guilty of not stopping long enough to actually have an indepth conversation. You must stop and make time to listen and comment and listen and discuss and listen, etc., otherwise you never hear the end fo the story (Lady Sheridanne writes this down on an index card and pastes it up on her desk to remind herself).

Organisation

Someone recently said they enjoyed reading my blog because I organised my writing and thinking in a logical way that flowed. Well that is what we need to do when we talk with people. How many times have you been in a conversation with someone, get all excited about something (like going to a romantic sky box for a little French kissing) only to find out they left out the most important fact early in their conversation, (that you are not the object of their affection – someone else is)? Well perhaps you can think of a better explanation, I am still thinking about that kiss frankly.

Words

The thirteen-year old in my life who hopes to be an author and writer like me, takes great pains to scour the dictionary to find the most fancy-dancy, obscure, difficult to pronounce and spell words for really simple stuff. If communication is what you hope to achieve, then communicate. If you want to impress someone with your erudition, then erudite alone….

Listening

Two ears and one mouth – the mathematical ratio is pretty trustworthy. We learn heaps about talking and writing, but almost nothing about listening. One of the courses I have written and facilitate is on customer service. Nothing is more important to customers feeling good about you than when they think you are listening -- so I have a vareity of exercises and information in the course about listening. Most are amazed at how poor they are at listening. This is related to time and word choice….well actually to all of the above and the two below.

Emotion

Thirty-seven percent of our message person-to-person comes through the tone of our voice, our pitch and inflection….so how we say things helps us communicate better or worse. And nothing is worse than trying to talk when you are emotional (unless it is shouting for joy when Ohio State wins their game or you are having a lovely French kiss (in which case words probably won’t be appropriate anyway). But you know what I mean. When you are angry people can hear it even if you have that quiet, icy calm in your anger or you tend to let it all out.

Listening

Finally, the key to the best communication: LISTENING. Oh did I say that one already? Well you know the formula: two ears and one mouth.

Virtual Communication

Strangely enough all nine apply within the virtual world, in fact some apply more strongly, so be wise about this.

I have been shouted at, romanced, threatened, courted, dismissed, thanked, ordered about in the virtual world. I have been insulted, lied about and French kissed in the virtual world. Interesting all feel about the same as when it happens in the real world (except French kissing, of course). So be careful, it’s a jungle out there!!