We Never Know, Do We?

Our lives touch others for the decisions we make and that is all we can hope for. That somewhere along the way our choices support or inspire others to keep trying.

Double Blessings

A little rest, a little folding of the hands is how William Shakespeare put it. Where do we go when the world piles up on us real life and/or virtual life?

The first time I started my own business I moved my desk right up beside my bed. That way, in the middle of the night if I remembered something I had to do, I could just lean over and work on it from my bed.

I was working way too many hours, So, one day I walked to my favourite bookstore, the Oxford Book Shop in Peachtree Battle Shopping Centre. It was the largest bookstore in the South East USA at the time (long before Borders decided to destroy all small bookstores with their mega-monopolies), boasting over one hundred thousand titles. And we computerised those titles from microfiche when I was there (what a task that was).

Nevertheless, I knew the store inside and out because as much as I enjoyed my work, I love books more. I also knew all the staff, so as I checked out the night manager was there and I asked him of the possibility of some part-time work. He gave me an application and I went home and filled it out for night work.

And viola, I had a part-time job of six hours on Saturdays and four hours three nights a week. This, I knew would be a vacation for me. To be surrounded by books (a generous lending plan and a 35% discount on purchases!) and there was even a wonderful coffee shop upstairs with the science and technical section.

Tilted Picture

What’s wrong with this picture? Well just that for all of it I hoped it would be more like a holiday, it didn’t take me long to be nominated as night and weekend manager. That meant my hours extended and I stayed late and closed the store and was in early every weekend to ensure the store was ready for shoppers.

I lived closest to the shop, so I was constantly being called out for any and every situation around, including a massive fire we had one very early morning that ended up being my challenge to manage. What fun that was!

Pattern Observed

Why am I telling you this, because it happens to me all the time. I even entered the virtual world thinking I would have a “holiday” and in less than two months I was on my way to more and more responsibility.

Someone in the virtual world recently told me I should relax and just go with the flow of the rushing river instead of fighting so hard to fix things and help others. It reminded me of something I’ve always believed from a poem from e e cummings:

“to be nobody-but-yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”

My Way Alone

Everyone else seems to be going in the other direction around me as I stop to help others along their path. I choose to walk the other way, to try not to bump into people along the way, to miss the mass marketing opportunities, the mob mentality, to walk alone if need be, etc. And every occasionally someone stops and turns around and begins to walk with me. Sometimes they walk with me for a long time, sometimes just until they bump into the first person who tells them they are walking in the wrong direction.

Personal Inventory

But it got me to questioning: What is wrong with me? I am competent, I am gentle and respectfully opinionated and I am right more times than I am wrong (you only need to be right 51% of the time to stay on top you know). I am moral, optimistic, have a strong personal code of ethics. I'm a creative and highly intuitive person who is humbled by the wonder of her life. Most of all, I care deeply for others, and usually at my own sacrifice. I have, and continue to live both lives this way.

And when I die, I know that like Frank Sinatra, I will have done it my way and even though that has isolated me from many people (except on superficial levels) for my own survival and protection, some will have been faithful friends and some have even loved me (and many I do not know love me still).

I like walking this way. And I know there are many who do turn and walk with me sometimes and that encourages me too. You see I live a blessed double-life.

A Secret

When you were a child did you ever create a secret language or a secret code that only you and your special friend shared? Well I did.

It allowed you to say something forbidden right in front of Mom and Dad. For instance, that you didn’t like your lima beans, you were going to play sick tomorrow or that you were not going to clean your room. And even though you always cleaned your room and eventually ate those sandy lima beans and went to school unless you were really sick -- you always felt powerful if only for a moment.

Fire Walk

I remember when Anthony Robbins was a nobody! I found his book Unlimited Power in one of those airport bookstores on a bottom shelf as I reached over to pick up a gum wrapper I had dropped.

It had a reference to "Peak Personal Achievement" (which I thought was a book by the author of Peak Performance, that I really enjoyed). I opened it and looked through the contents, noted the chapter names and then one quote at the beginning on a page all by itself entitled, Success, by Ralph Waldo Emerson, as follows:

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to fine the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”

I bought the book

I want to be successful just like you do or are (or were perhaps, or thought you were). After I finished I conceived a my “fire walk”. A fire walk is doing something you are scared to death of doing or that you know is way too hard for you to do.

Where the term comes from is you can go do Anthony Robbins four or five day course and at the end to graduate you must do a dinky-di ("authentic" in Australian) fire walk across hot coals. But as Tony (I of course call him Tony, now that I did my fire walk) explains, it is not walking the hot coals that is the point, but achieving your own personal victory over your own reluctance.

Fear of Small Craft

Well no one ever knew this and I will deny it if you say it is true, even today, but once I had to take a flight in a small 20-seater plane in Texas, and I could barely stay on board it caused me such angst, because the plane was just too small! So for me, as I was on my way for my second holiday in Australia I pre-booked (and paid for) a flight over the Tanami Desert Wildlife Sanctuary and nearby uranium mines in a “light plane”.

Several days into the tour and we are in Alice Springs (A Town Like Alice is the movie that explains most of this town quite well, if you’re a movie buff). And we’ve toured a bit already to get to the little out-back airport.

We file in to the corrigated steel building. I move reluctantly (having last minute second thoughts) and therefore am the last one out of the air conditioned tour bus. We are marched quickly passed a tiny, insignificant plane just for torture sake alone and I note with some trepidation that this thing could not fly as it is a toy and is likely just the model.

Nemesis in Kaki

Everyone is told to pair off and those who brought or hired friends, stand in a Noah’s-like queue (we don’t stand in lines in Australia only queues). I am alone milling about thinking my solitary status will grant me a reprieve when through the doors bursts a very enthusiastic woman of major proportions announcing she can hardly wait to get on the plane because she LUUUVES flying in the smaller-the-plane-the-better planes.

I look around for some good excuse (hoping to find a crutch or a fainting spell nearby) when she makes a bee line for me and gives me a great and hearty pat on the back.

“Hi, you don’t look so good. Are you afraid of flying in this little plane? It is a piece of cake.”

I about puke on her foot (perhaps a puking green excuse will get me out of it) but I didn’t have lunch yet, unfortunately, so only bile reminds me that I better just not worry about such a detail as puking.

She, who loves to fly in small planes, thinks we are at the front of the queue, but we are at the end. Two by two all those on the bus go off and come back white knuckled and white faced with just a little sweat still on their upper lip.

My stomach is churning and I am trying to act brave (whistle a little tune if you are afraid) and wishing this woman would just rush off to catch a mali fowl when the last in line are next. We march to the plane – I hoping not having a will will still mean they cart my body home to my parents.

A 16-Year Old Wonder

A teenager is sent to shepherd us to the plane, and climbs in as well to, I imagine dust the seats or something. He grabs a hat on the dash board of the plane and puts it on his head to announce, with some pride, that he (HE) will be our captain for this flight. This is too much.

Then, you have to literally climb in, ducking down and crawling to a seat. Once inside there is only the pilot’s seat (filled with said teen, complete with acne), your seat and a little seat in the back. She-who-has-no-fear grabs the seat in the back so she can, she tells me, lean out (I am not kidding) the back window once we are flying.

I turn to focus on the “technology” of this miniature anti-natural wonder and note with some concern that one of the dials has a great big crack right across the face (thinking I remembers something about vacuums in these dials being necessary, and thinking this plane will be down for maintenance now.

Take Off Straight Up

But I am wrong. The flight attendant/pilot says, “Buckle up and hold on,” and fires up the loud engines so they cannot hear you scream and proceeds with no more ado to make a short run down the bitumen (we do not have asphalt in Australia) runway and take off almost straight up.

The wind is high and the wings bounce as if they might break loose and I am trying not to keep my eyes closed so I can focus on the dial readings, just in case he fails to see one falling or something.

I sneak a peek out the window and find myself transfixed by what I see. Such surprising beauty!

I grab my camera and begin to snap shots and would have stood up and leaned out the window if I could have. Lucky I have my very powerful telephoto lens with me.

The entire flight I can hear nothing but the screaming of the wind and the engines as I just keep taking photos and hoping the flight will not end soon. The animals, the patterns on the earth – simply unexpectantly awesome.

Shot after shot. We are buffeted about mercilessly and my only discomfort is my annoyance that some of my shots will not be in focus! The landing is outlandish as a cross wind drifts the tiny little craft to the side and we stop as abruptly as we took off and before I realise how wonderful and how little fear I actually had.

And In the Back?

I look around to the back seat and what do I find….Miss I-love-flying-in-small-crafts, has not only puked in her little puky-bag and now holds it in her lap with paralised hands, she is also as green as a Brisi green tree frog and she can barely speak with her eyes fixed so wide open I wonder if she might have Addison’s disease.

Firewalk Over!

I am, however, victorious and do not have time to gloat. I bounce off the plane to assure the others on the tour that not only did I survive, but I thrived (the mantra you are to say when you do good in positive thinking circles).

That was my firewalk – doing something way too scary for me and way too hard for me. And I lived and I loved it. Sometimes the hardest and scariest things you have to do bring you the greatest joy. It is just climbing into your fear and feeling it and then finding out where the beauty and joy is within the fear.

I need to remember that lesson. Because sometimes fears become so big to me they can’t even be real. As they say, realisation is greater than expectation and for all of us that is true. Good luck out there and just do it!

He Said, She Said. The Truth.

I hate arguing and hate the thought of trying to defend myself and those who actually know me understand this. I grew up in an abusive family and am well trained to never argue or talk back; to only listen and apologise – to promise never to do that again….whatever “that” is. So for me writing is the way I can express my concerns.

I’m not sure this makes sense in a virtual world where you can be suspect just because of the way you “assemble” the looks of your AV or the way you can spell or cast a phrase or the speed at which you cast that phrase.

In my virtual world I have many good friends and after my dad passed away (RL real life) and the departnering with the “cursed one” epic (VW virtual world) of my life, I began to isolate myself. And one of my dear friends, in fact my first real friend in a new land, came to me and asked me to be gentle on myself now and not to enter into any serious-looking relationships, but to take time to heal and to recover and to have some fun.

So I enjoyed the grand Faire and I enjoyed spending time with old friends and new people. I helped with old and new tasks, I built a memorial garden and went about the work I was given with focus and peace. It was pretty neat actually for someone who had been averaging way too many hours on the virtual world. I even began to get some rest and to have dreams.

Mistaken Identity

Then I met someone from my past (who I thought was the “long lost true love of my virtual life” -- If you're in world check my Picks.). I was so excited I forgot my friend’s warning about no new relationships for awhile. And now I am living with a new whirlwind sweeping around me, threatening to drown me and causing me grief and pain.

Yet this new person-of-mistaken-identity (who I did confess my mistaking of his identity to the moment I realised it, as well as sharing this realisation immediately with our leader, in the event he would take action of his own consideration) was being very kind and seemed so sincere and so supportive. And it was wonderful to relax and enjoy time together with someone who seemed to want to take care of things with me for awhile.

It soon became apparent, however, that he wanted every moment of my virtual time in world. If he didn’t get it he insisted on knowing who I was with and what I was doing. Even if I was in a “family role play” he would pull me away wanting to have me to himself alone.

Once as I was leasing a property to someone, he even tracked me down and came to confront, and then threaten the person, which to me seemed like an unreasonable action and certainly one I had not asked him to take. He refused to listen and I had to take action to protect the other person. To others the man-of-mistaken-identity now accuses that by this action it proves I was harbouring and protecting the “cursed one” from him by banning him from this place.

Peaceful Withdrawal

Like a gentle coitus interruptus, this man-of-mistaken-identity offered many times to “leave me in peace at just my word”. He would, he promised, “disappear without a trace never to bother me again”, the same awful and confusing threat the “cursed one” made to control me too.

Strange how many times the man-of-mistaken-identity made that promise and yet now it seems others are aware of his perspective that I wronged him. It hurts because I have, as I habitually do, tried not to hurt him and to handle this privately, at my own expense.

He now accuses me of abuse and cohorting with the identified enemy – the “cursed one” What has this man-of-mistaken-identity been seeking all this time? He accuses me of unfaithfulness (which is not true, but not relevant because we were only role play husband and wife in one realm - not in the VW or RW)!

Why should it matter so to anyone what is happening in the private lives of two virtual entities? Is this still what I inherit from the past epic with the “cursed one”?

Carrying Our Words

A great deal of cutting and pasting of words out of context seems to be going on (see earlier Blog segment on “Carrying Our Words”), as he sent our private words to those he argues his case with. Others send me his words to accuse me or vindicate me, as they see fit.

It is too hard to read them for fear they will not be accurate (having lost my great love over “doctored” I.M.s (internal private and confidential messages in the virtual world)) and they were part of our private conversations. It is like wire-tapping and then playing someone's phone conversations!

To my regret, I did send one conversation to only one person, asking for complete confidentiality, as I asked him to help me know how to better deal rightly with the man-of-mistaken-identity. And this has been used against me, even though no one should ever have known about it except this one person and myself!

Every Word Kept

I can, having had training in this way, pull every word uttered to me in private and open conversation from this man-of-mistaken-identity -- and did last night pull up all the (private) conversations in the thought that I would try to vindicate myself with the same weapon that seems to be being used against me.

There were 532 pages of private conversations since 22 October, when the man-of-mistaken-identity first entered my new realm life! And 36 pages of SKYPE chat! And that is after deleting the “more private” conversations.

But how could I choose a representative conversation or two to demonstrate what it felt like to me to feel possessed and stalked by someone who believed they loved me and couldn’t be in world without being right beside me at all times? Every conversation, might contain words, but the increasing intensity could not be felt. The conversations would all, therefore, be out of context.

600 Pages of Evidence?

Tell me who would read almost 600 pages to feel the discomfort and eventual fear for his safety and for my own? No one! This is a game not a trial!

And then the questions from the inquisitors,

“How did he abuse you?”

Answer, “He never abused me, he overwhelmed me and suffocated me.”

“Who is this person? Is he an alt of the ‘cursed one’?”

Answer to this frequently-asked-of-me question: “No.”

“Why do you comment on the ‘cursed one’s’ blog site?”

Answer: “I comment on many blog sites and did not realise my out of world, occasional comments would be of relevance.”

Over and over questions from this person and that person. Is it any wonder I don’t want to go in world?

In my other realm something like this would NEVER happen publicly but would be handled discretely behinnd the scenes -- even if not always the way anyone would like. Yet, no one but the specific parties would be involved. It would not be subjected to a public pillorying by people who neither have all the facts or seem to consider there are many facets to any situation. (Although I must commend at least three people for trying to search out facts rather than base their conclusions on opinions.)

More Pain & Loss

The fact remains, the man-of-mistaken-identity was lovely when he wasn’t pushing and stalking and insisting on possessing me -- especially when I was still in such a fragile state.

He has a right to his view of this situation as unfair and/or wrong. I know I began to grow desperate and more strong with my communications with him as time went by. He offered to step away in peace, yet, as many of his statements, they do not seem to be fulfilled in actions.

I found reading through so many of our earlier conversations heart-breaking. I did care for him a great deal. But needed time, as my dear friend told me all along. Yet had this man-of-mistaken-identity not taken such increasingly strong action with me and then such drastic and conclusive action secretly, he is certainly someone I could have grown content with.

Yet all my begging for his indulgence of my hesitation fell on dead ears, if ever so enthusiastic and eager ears. Ears so determined to convince me "right now" was the only "when". Those I turned to for wisdom and support and advice also tried to help, and for that I am grateful that they cared enough to try.

Bottom line: I am weary of the unnecessary drama caused by this. There is always my side, his side and the truth. No one but God can know the pure truth. I was fearful of his love and devotion. He was convinced I was "the one" and could not wait. The truth is it does take two to tango and two to tangle. But now, I just want to get on with my virtual life….!

What's Good For Me?

Searching and hoping and looking and needing and never knowing. Who knows where the answer is?

French Kissing

You know what I’m finding? If I get a little more sleep, I can remember my dreams! And last night I had a dream for the first time since I last reported one to you. And this one was, as so often happens, strange and curious and filled with lessons.

I was with a man who could only speak French (I always love that accent) and we were walking along together and he put his arm around me and I was fine with that and we went see a movie and he reached over and gently pulled me toward him in the dark to kiss me.

He put his tongue in my mouth (remember when before you experienced good French kissing and it sounded so very yukkie?) and his tongue was narrow rather than wide and he kissed me and kissed me and it was wonderful, until I kissed him back. That was a mistake, because two things happened…one his cultural upbringing and education went into over drive (as did his hormones) and the clarity of his communications began to blur for me as I realised and feared the “translation” to my kissing him back. (Needless to say I woke up abruptly!)

And I thought what a perfect example that is for the dialogue we engage in with others in the real world and the virtual world.

9 Reasons Communications Succeed

I spoke of the seven reasons communications fail in an earlier blog article and now wonder why they succeed. Hummm

1. Clear understanding of definitions
2. Appreciation for cultural differences
3. Interest in the topic
4. Appropriating necessary time
5. Organising communication
6. Word choice
7. Listening
8. Emotional content
9. Listening

Definitions

Clear understanding of definitions seems rather basic, but yesterday (for example) in my virtual world I was late to a discussion group and when I arrived there was no clue as to what the topic was, so I listened. Finally I asked and was told it was “the meaning of life”. I listened more and just couldn’t engage until I took a moment to look up the word “meaning” in the dictionary, because that seemed to be where the discussion was stalled. Once the meaning of the word was clear, the discussion could actually go further in that direction.

Culture

When you think about it, the little story about the French kisser brings clarity to the understand and appreciation of cultural difference. If you ever go to Japan, for instance, and you are an American, you will easily realise there is a spacial difference to communication (in America the distance between two people speaking averages around a meter or three feet, that distance closes between Japanese to about one foot because of their cultural difference). This can be offputting because an American may see this closeness as threatening or may simply prepare for a French kiss.

Interest

Interest in the topic is rather clear as well. If you want to talk about the Democratic Party activities of an upcoming election with me you will find I have other interests as I would if you wanted to speak of Euclidean mathematical theories or for that matter maths in general.

Time

Both in my real life and my virtual life I am too guilty of not stopping long enough to actually have an indepth conversation. You must stop and make time to listen and comment and listen and discuss and listen, etc., otherwise you never hear the end fo the story (Lady Sheridanne writes this down on an index card and pastes it up on her desk to remind herself).

Organisation

Someone recently said they enjoyed reading my blog because I organised my writing and thinking in a logical way that flowed. Well that is what we need to do when we talk with people. How many times have you been in a conversation with someone, get all excited about something (like going to a romantic sky box for a little French kissing) only to find out they left out the most important fact early in their conversation, (that you are not the object of their affection – someone else is)? Well perhaps you can think of a better explanation, I am still thinking about that kiss frankly.

Words

The thirteen-year old in my life who hopes to be an author and writer like me, takes great pains to scour the dictionary to find the most fancy-dancy, obscure, difficult to pronounce and spell words for really simple stuff. If communication is what you hope to achieve, then communicate. If you want to impress someone with your erudition, then erudite alone….

Listening

Two ears and one mouth – the mathematical ratio is pretty trustworthy. We learn heaps about talking and writing, but almost nothing about listening. One of the courses I have written and facilitate is on customer service. Nothing is more important to customers feeling good about you than when they think you are listening -- so I have a vareity of exercises and information in the course about listening. Most are amazed at how poor they are at listening. This is related to time and word choice….well actually to all of the above and the two below.

Emotion

Thirty-seven percent of our message person-to-person comes through the tone of our voice, our pitch and inflection….so how we say things helps us communicate better or worse. And nothing is worse than trying to talk when you are emotional (unless it is shouting for joy when Ohio State wins their game or you are having a lovely French kiss (in which case words probably won’t be appropriate anyway). But you know what I mean. When you are angry people can hear it even if you have that quiet, icy calm in your anger or you tend to let it all out.

Listening

Finally, the key to the best communication: LISTENING. Oh did I say that one already? Well you know the formula: two ears and one mouth.

Virtual Communication

Strangely enough all nine apply within the virtual world, in fact some apply more strongly, so be wise about this.

I have been shouted at, romanced, threatened, courted, dismissed, thanked, ordered about in the virtual world. I have been insulted, lied about and French kissed in the virtual world. Interesting all feel about the same as when it happens in the real world (except French kissing, of course). So be careful, it’s a jungle out there!!

To the Lady Este...

They say it is always darkest before the dawn in the world. Perhaps this is true, but we can count on the dawn. And what we learn in the dark, during our struggles does make us stronger, if we do not give up. You inspire me. And look at the result of your patience. Thank you !

No Power - No Virtual World, Yet...

Yesterday, I was running through Avilion in my virtual world and merrily meeting people when I sensed something was different. I looked around at everyone I could see (perhaps someone was griefing the SIM (meaning they were trying to do something technically that would stop the GRID (remember the Matrix)). The light was dim, so I (who have power over a few interesting things) changed the world light from midnight to noon. Humm, very little difference.

You can get so intent in the virtual world that you just miss things. I realised it was also strangely quiet all of a sudden, or my perception was that it was very quiet. I sat up straighter thinking perhaps I was going to faint as it was that kind of snow-sucked silence that also happens right before you pass out. No difference. Just the absence of sound.

I turned to keep walking but seemed frozen in my steps so I decided to ask someone standing near me in the virtual world, if they could see and hear what I was seeing and hearing. I typed words (the preferred means of speaking to another) and nothing happened.

I looked at my little map and noticed that, yes, that must be it, it had gone red, a sure sigh that I or the SIM had crashed. The frequency of this happening goes up proportionally to the recency of an upgrade and today of all days I have finally given up and downloaded and launched the latest wonder-version. So I was not surprised.

I closed the virtual world and then noticed that something was still wrong, my Internet connection was closed. Even more of a concern, the power to my high-powered laptop was also off. I checked the battery life and had about 2 hours left!

Out of World

I went to my email system and tried to send some emails but the modem didn't work and the wireless link was also off. So I turned off the laptop and unplugged the power cord and the broadband connection. The absence of sound was everywhere. Wow the power must be off throughout the house, not just a circuit. Yes, checked the light -- nothing.

Some friends were over and they also noticed it but were leaving anyway, to come back a bit later for dinner, and left me to sort it out.

I went to the circuit breaker box and it was covered with spider webs, which did not set well with me and I peered in through the plastic cover and couldn’t see anything that looked wrong (I don’t remember ever looking at it before actually, so probably wouldn’t have known something WAS wrong).

Busy --Non Technical --Work

So knowing the power always works, thought I would just use the time to sort through a huge pile of mail and it would be up again. Through the mail and nothing. Reorganised some stuff on my desk, replaced all the books I had out for a couple of articles I was writing, worked on my clip file and then found my powerful wireless mini-laptop and powered it up. It had four hours of power so I was set, however the signal strength to the local source was very low and I realised I couldn’t actually work easily on it as the key board is meant for midgets and for petite women like my best friend, Carla, who has doll hands.

So I closed it down. I read some articles until it was too dim to read much and moved to another room where there was more light, but that too was futile.

My friends returned and were surprised that almost two hours had passed and still no power. We called the power company because it was apparent by now that every house around was also without power. The recording (for no human beings work at the power company nowadays (no human beings work in most places nowadays)) the recording was too funny to bear: “We know about the outages, but have not yet discovered the source, however all power should be restored by 9:30PM. We roared on the floor laughing at that!

Fun In the Dark

The boys thought it was great fun as they could not remember a time where there was no power. So we began to look for candles and torches (flash lights to the Yanks) and Carla told us all how when she was a little girl they didn’t have electricity where she lived and she studied by a kerosene lantern. We all tried to imagine that: opening books, using paper and pencil. Now too like a fairy tale for the boys to conceive of.

There was a sense of agitation from the youngest (7 years old) who has never liked the dark and he could not stop checking that his torch still worked even though we kept reminding him that batteries run out and he wouldn’t have it if he needed. He never got that message.

We cooked dinner on the gas (thankfully) stove by torchlight and then lit candles for the table. We talked about what we would do for the rest of the night and it looked grim because we are people who love to read and there was no light. The boys have just gotten a new bit of technology called a “WII”, and after only one and a half days of trying it out, they are now lost without it.

Me? I worried about the spiders who would certainly be out in force now knowing no one could see them slink around and pounce.

So we ate our meal and did something we rarely have time for, we talked with each other about our plans and hopes and dreams for the coming week. It was really neat.

As our meal was ending and we were thinking about how long milk would last without refrigeration, the power came back on. It had been off over four hours !! We all cheered and went back to our old routines.

It was really a gift you know, not having electricity for a while; not being able to go in world…

The Recluse & the Huntsman

Ever have one of those mornings? My routine calls for making my bed first, so I had just drawn the doona (comforter) over the top of the covers and was walking around to straighten everything when I felt it.

I live in Australia, and we have the most, highly poisonious critters in the world, so you are ALWAYS alert. It was a spider web. And from its position, it could only mean that I had shared my bed with the spider (now of course missing).

The Huntsman

I lived in Okinawa Japan for some time and it was a cultural awakening for me in more ways than I could ever imagine. One thing I discovered was gigantic bugs including huntsmen spiders that were the fastest running insect in the world – the equivalent of 35 miles per hour!

The floors throughtout the entire house were chocolate linoleum (you know so the four- to six-inch, flying cockroaches were more able to hide when you ran after them with passion and one slipper). I gingerly walked out one night very late to make a quick trip to the bathroom. Once in there I was confronted by a flying cockroach of monstrous proportions and screamed into the souless night for help. Then ran into the living room to stand ceremoniously on a chair. What was I thinking?

I was screaming for help when I noticed it….a huntsman who casually walked to the middle of the now back-lit door way from the bathroom to the chair I was standing on and like in the movie High Noon, he stood there. Fiddling I imagine with his poison filled side arm, twirling it to ensure I knew I was definitely in trouble.

Now I really screamed and started jumping up and down in the chair (what was I thinking) and watched completely mesmerised as this amazingly large, hand-sized brown, hairless spider caught me in its fractiled gaze.

Two legs raised from the floor to salute me and then it took off straight for me at full speed. There was no possible escape as I stood transfixed to the spot. Just as it would have pounced on me, a broom came smashing down upon it. Whew that was close.

The Recluse

Back in the USA, under more civilised conditions the man in my life went off on a Air Reserve exercise one day. He came home ten days later than expected, chauffered in a bright white "limosine" that looked very much like an ambulance. His right thigh was still almost twice the size of the other from the hidden and quietly painless bite of a recluse spider that had wound its way carefully up his pants leg -- biting him on the front of his thigh (sparing more important parts of his body from this amazing and very painful process).

When the brown recluse spider bites, it leaves a venom in the wound that begins to break down and sort of melt the tissue. It seems like a little mosquito bite at first. By then the culprit is long gone. Then itching and reddness. Then a little fever. Then a little more reddness and itching and the bite area raises. Then the bite mark begins to blacken and the flesh sinks as it deteriorates. Typically people who are bitten don’t have a clue until it is very late in the game and they are very ill from the bite.

Sneaky Critters

But what is especially interesting about these two kinds of spiders is how easily they can hide in the most unlikely spots. They can remain so very still you think they are part of the wall. They can press their rather large bodies through small holes and cracks to be places you would never expect them to be. They hide behind pictures hung on the walls, on the side of the sofa or once I found one on my closet door knob clinging there like it was part of the pattern on the brass fittings, just waiting for me to turn the handle.

They are very sneaky and once you disturb them they take off and chase you (well I understand it is the fear pheromones they are attracted to, and for me that would be very attractive). Their behaviours remind me of a few people I have known in my life (both real and virtual). But you have to live with them somehow because they do keep down the number of other bugs.

And if you’re wondering….I finally found the spider in my room. It was hiding right beside the drape pull cord, silently and deadly still waiting, skulking, hoping I would never find him, until he hurt me. But I did (and screamed a lot too). Now he will never bother anyone again. (One last small detail I left off earlier -- they always come in twos.)

Sometimes, you must take drastic steps to have peace in your life and in your bed!

To Lady Este

They say it is always darkest before the dawn in the world. Perhaps this is true, but we can count on the dawn. And what we learn in the dark, during our struggles does make us stronger, if we do not give up. You inspire me. Thank you !