You Fill My Eyes

You fill my eyes
You hold my hear
I look at you
And every childhood dream comes true.
Every longing of my life is fulfilled

There is no room for cynicism or doubt.
Caution has flown away
As if it was never my constant companion.

I want you!
Not like a dying dove seeing no hope of rescue
But like a strong and mighty falcon in sudden sunlight
When she is better suited for the clouds.

I have known beauty before
A child, just new to the world
A rose so red and fragrant
The morning palate of wild colour with the sudden sun
The freezing fog covering the night

I cannot remember when such beauty as yours
So strong, yet fragile all at once
So possessed me to this reckless madness.

I want to embrace you like moss does river rocks
To kiss you more longingly than the fig vines
as they twist to find the sun.

I want time to wait in my impatient stupor of love
I fear to speak your name
And yet cannot stop speaking it.
Some wisdom or pain or vision fills me with warmth.

I know this is a transforming love
Because my heart is gone
Torn first in two
And then pieced together by your hand
And held there
In your grasp alone for all time and beyond.

This is not romance, sudden or long,
It is far beyond the fleeting wonder of my hope.
With an icy chill I fear, as once I never knew how
That my rapturous feelings will only seem
The wild love of a passing passion.

And like a transfigured saint,
Who longs to stay right here forever
I dare not tell you my heart
Lest I frighten you like a skittish doe at dawn.

Time has passed
I have cursed my cowardice so long
As to wonder if what I felt has really happened at all!

Finally I feel content, knowing
That I can still feel what I seem to have always felt
No matter how timidly I pursue my dream.

I ask if I may come to you still
Fearing you will say no
Now, it is enough to have loved you
All in an instant
Filling my emptiness with all of you

Knowing that somewhere
you walk on this earth
And that I will somehow find you
In another instant
In another world
In another time
A time that endures forever.

Or that is the dream, I still dream....

His Piano - Her Heart

His beloved piano.
She would watch him
Sitting for hours
Frustration melting
His fingers dancing over the black and white keys
Slowly his heart settling
Resolving
Determined for another day

His piano -- his most special possession
His other love gave it to him.
Wherever he lived the piano was the first object he put down

Now it was Nerdanel that was his beloved.
He would watch her as he played
He would speak with her as he played
She would sing to him as he played
Always he was happiest when he played

They built a quiet place
Hidden from drama and darkness
Fear and frustration
Each laid down something precious for the other.
She a fresh baked bread
And a bed to dream upon.
And he carefully sat down his piano.

They played side by side for hours.
No one knew.

When they were tired they would play.
When they were sad they would play.
When they were afraid of tomorrow they would play.
Side by side they would play.
A melody so well balanced and intricate with emotion.
His left thigh touching her right thigh.
The sixth sense of proximity reminding them of their love
Still they played and played on.
Side by side they would play.

The music streaming from their fingers
As tension disappeared like fading moisture on a rock in the sun
Individually they concentrated on their part of the music...
They barely looked at the other unless their hands touched
Then a quick look to acknowledge the other
A furtive smile before resuming with just one beat of change.

They played on
Side by side they would play.
Then one day he was gone.

The piano sat in their room
Quiet now
Each day she woke
Her eyes travelling to the piano first
She feared to touch it
Diamond-like motes of dust settled onto the surfaces

She resisted touching it,
Somehow unsure if it would play music without him to draw it

One day she could resist no longer
She sat there
The stool feeling as supportive as ever
Her hands folded one in the other one
Palms and fingers curled up
And that was all she could do that day
She sat there for hours
Thinking as hard as she could of each moment
Each Song
Each hope and dream they played
Believing he would somehow materialise

But he did not.
And she got up
And walked away.

She did this for weeks.
Sitting there
Day after day
Every morning
Every afternoon
Every evening
Till so late she had to sleep.

Holding her hands in her lap
Remembering his gentle touch and soothing words and his music
So numb and lost.

One morning she sat there.
She folded her hands in her lap
And waited for him once more.

Her fingers moved
And rested on the keys.
She began unconsciously to play his favourite song.
Then she played her favourite.
Then she played their favourite.
She listened as she played these shared favourite tunes.

Hoping in the playing he would be drawn back.
Play as she might and watch as she would
He did not appear...
She played on and on into the night
Into the next day, possessed with hope.
Playing till her fingertips passed blisters into bloody.
She played.

Then she stopped.
Her hands bleeding.
The keys covered in her blood and sweat.
A tear formed in her eye.
It rolled quietly and hopelessly
Very full and pregnant this tear
It fell in slow motion
Onto the white key near her exhausted right index finger
Where it landed, a little white spot shown through the blood.

Another tear rolled unstoppable from her eye
Hit another white key and a new white spot was seen.
Tears began to flow swiftly from her eyes.
She drew her hands, still bleeding, to her face
To bury her shame from herself for her disappointment.

And the tears flowed.
They flowed longer than the music had.
The keys showed white again
And then the piano began to fade.

She sat up slowly
Her eyes wide with the insistent tears that continued to flow
And watched
As the piano turned into a pale phantom.

She could not move, only watch.
Each part faded like the dusk fades into blackest night.
Her tears grew more heavy.
Her heart began to hurt
And she knew her heart was fading too.

It stands there still, that piano
Or the white wispy form of it
A phantom, weary from the patter of tears and hope.

Every day she wakes to stare at the piano.
Every day it greets her as this pale phantom.
Every day she wakes to touch the space between her breasts.
Every day her heart greets her as a pale phantom.
Now hope fades with each passing moment....
Until only death can bring her peace...
And she no longer plays his music or her music or their music.
She only stares at the fading piano.

For Nerdanel from Feanor 7 May-09

They looked at each other, and saw heaven in the depths of each other’s lightened eyes
they stared at each other for a moment, sighed feeling a pressing in their hearts, and then closed their eyes
their eyes were drowning in a bitter sweet confusion, afraid to open again.
They were beautiful,
too beautiful,
but incomplete
...
they had velvet dreams living in the limbo of fear and desire
they looked at each other, and feared the worse....
that they would tumble on madness, ...
that they would fall hopelessly in love...
their hands touched, felt the warmth, the Elven scent of roses
skin on skin,
it was the beginning of something they could not understand
....
they knew that if they let their bodies feel one another,
they would never be strong enough to walk away.
They were living under the fake lights,...
for ages...!
performing and playing characters,
they almost forgot who they were
sometimes the people around them brought enough rejoicing...
sometimes it was just too cold on the set, and inside of them...
then their eyes met one another...
then their eyes met one another...
and danced a crying Elven tango....
even when the two elves did not understand their senses,
defying them, and winning...
The words their mouths wanted to say, were hurting....
suffocated and imprisoned,
like a cursed warrior after the war.
: ....
they looked at each other,...
then looked down...
they were beautiful....
too beautiful
: ....
their beauty was like a sharp knife cutting the veils in pieces,...
and revealing the sun...
the freezing cold would be finally over...
if they let the sun touch them whole
no masks
no fear
no shame
The people around them knew it all along....
it was meant to be pure and ravishing ...
it was meant to be the dawn of a new world...
if they let their eyes dive into one another....
a little bit closer....
and wipe the tears from their eyes with the flowing feathers....
and their crying love ...
forsake the siege within...
: ....
The words their mouths wanted to say....
were coming to life...
that night had to be the night of forgiveness....
for their useless hurt and wasted time....
that moment had to be the beginning of forever...
when they reached out their hands, ...
with no fear ...
the two hearts collided...
absolving the familiar matter....
forming a single one.
....
the restrained sighs would be replaced by moans of endless pleasure
the clear words their mouths wanted to say all along....
were now
released for the first time
"Gen melin! Gen melin!"
"I love you! I love you!"
....
Wiping away the tears from their faces,...
and breathing deeply...
: breathing each other....
no more hurt.
"Hush now don´t cry my angel!"
"Nelladell nîn."
: "Angel of mine."
....
whispers "for you , my beloved Nerdanel !"

Dont Believe Everything You Read Or Then Again....

A man went into a diner one morning (they didn’t have cafes in those days, nor latte either) looking through a pile of magazines he found in the seat beside him, he found something like a TIME magazine with a feature story of how bad the economy was with tips to survive the storm.

He went home and called his parents to warn them, sold his home and car, moved in with his parents who passed away from the fear of living through another depression.

He hunkered down into his job, told everyone there of the depression on the way, made no suggestions at work and only did what was required of him and nothing more, for fear of losing his job.

Lost his job because he did not meet his agreed performance targets (we have always had those in one way or another). Got depressed and spent his time wandering around the town spreading the news of the terrible economic situation with his friends and all who would listen to him.

The town went into an economic downturn and most lost their jobs. The gas stations closed cause most people didn’t drive their cars if they had them, stores closed. It was an awful time.

Then one day months later, the man went back to that same diner, with enough money to buy a cup of coffee. He spoke with the waitress (they were allowed to call them waitresses in those days because politically correctness was not invented yet), asked her for a pot of coffee and took extra cream and sugar while she was there (and hid them in his jacket pockets).

He asked if there was anything to read. She said there was a stack of magazines he could look through. He found the one he had read that fateful morning and began to carefully review the article again.

The waitress came with his coffee and looked over his shoulder and said, “Yes, it is amazing how people actually survived the Great Depression back in the 30s.

Someone died and left all these old magazines to me and it seems people enjoy reading about how hard it really was in those days. Anyway, is there anything else I can get you with your coffee?”

================================

There are days when being possessed by the need to write seems crazy or hopeless, when words come like extracting the proverbial wisdom teeth, when there is no reward, even a thank you, let alone pay for what you write.

But the pen remains mightier than the sword, mightier than the banks and mightier than our fears.

Think right now of the most difficult thing you have lived through. Remember how you felt as you faced this "challenge" (everyone calls it that thinking it will take the sting out of reality and well, I shouldn't be all that different in naming it)?

You never thought you would make it...but you did. You've come a long way and you are still here and tomorrow, as another character from another great book once said, "Tomorrow is another day..." and the hard things, well we can always think about them tomorrow.

The virtual world I live in, allows me to consider more positive alternatives and to fulfil dreams that sometimes the real world is not able to give me. So I enjoy the hope I can find, the posibilities. I hope you do too.

Of Hobos & the Value of Gifts

For me it sometimes takes three hits to get my attention.

Today, someone wrote me an email and asked me to start the New Year off with something new for my blog. As you will notice it has been a long time. My heart has been heavy and my Muse was destroyed to dust in front of my eyes, never to enter my virtual world again. Such a great loss I was not sure how to move in any direction, so choose to just stand still and let the dust cover me.

Second, something a new friend and told me recently I thought I would write again. He said that I live in the past....this stung me and seemed unfair. I am a writer, a journalist, a chronicler and editorialist who uses the past to stand on as a foundational step for seeing things today. But I try to take feedback like that the he offered as serious as important. So stopped to think about what he might be meaning and if this was actually a good or bad thing.

My conclusion is that I am better for a past of challenge and pain, than if I had had a lovely, protected, safe and pretty past...so I thank God/the gods for their constant and consistent hand in my life and that things have not been easy. I also am grateful that I remember these things in the hopes of not making the same silly mistakes again.

Third, as I went for my race walk this morning, I thought about a blog segment I have been meaning to write for a long time and having watched a video yesterday that had my mind moving in that direction, today was the day. Oh the move was called, Hearts in Atlantis. So here goes.

Of Hobos & the Value of Gifts

When I was about six years old, my Daddy took me on a long trip (only 70 miles in reality) to visit my Grandma Harris. I loved her and every summer I spent at her house for weeks on end.

Daddy and I would prepare for the trip for days, and Mommy would help me pack and eliminate the many extraneous things I would sneak into my little brown and tan suitcase with the brass clasps that would pop open with a special little noise when you pulled aside the little round lever.

We would work together to pack a lunch and lots of koolaid in a thermos (and a fresh bottle of Pepto Bismal for my car sickness). Daddy and I would pile into the car and set out on our next adventure.

The Stranger

As we rounded a bend, there stood a man on the side of the road with his fist out and his thumb pointed in the direction we were going. I thought this was rather strange. Then my Daddy slowed down, stopped the car and began to back up. I thought this was a great adventure and was suddenly alert to something we had NEVER done before.

A man’s face appeared at the window and my Daddy spoke with him. His voice was so deep I thought it was magic. I had been laying on the front seat with my head resting on my Daddy’s leg and now set up properly in the passenger’s seat as any grown up would. Daddy turned to me and said it was alright and that we would be giving this gentleman a ride almost all the way to Grandma’s house. How wonderful!

The man opened the door and I scooted over and he sat beside me on the front seat. He was not dressed very well, there was a strange smell about him that was musty. His clothing seemed not to match in anyway and everything was frayed and tattered, yet somehow clean. His skin was all dark looking and sort of looked like snake skin to me...with a pattern in it with his wrinkles. He had very deep wrinkles, especially when he smiled.

Boring Grown-Up Talk

He was pleasant as he spoke easily with my Daddy about stuff that was not of interest to me, so I began to count the telephone poles to see if I could beat my record and keep track of where we were as we travelled.

There were four little cities we would travel through that I came to memorise for one coming after the other: Crestline, Bucyrus, Upper Sandusky and then Carey. I had taken this trip many times in my young life and knew that when you got to the tree that the Chippewa Indians had bent into a special pointing shape (by taking a young tree and bending it and tying it with heavy ropes), we were almost at Grandma’s.

Now What

As we turned another bend, my Daddy stopped the car and the man turned to me and said he was thankful to spend time with me; that he thought I was a sweet little girl (everyone my entire life seems to think I am “sweet” and someday I will understand what they mean by that) and that he had a gift for me.

He put his old, tanned, gnarled hand in his pocket and pulled out a match box. I knew I was not allowed to have matches and thought this was not a very good gift for a little girl, but knew to say thank you anyway.

He placed the little “Red Head” match box in my hand and said, “Open it and see what is inside.” When I slid the little inner box out, there were a bunch of sort of purple beads. I looked at my Daddy, hoping he would tell me what this was and how grateful I was supposed to be for something like this.

My Daddy looked at the man and smiled. “Tell her what that is, my friend” he said.

“In this little match box are magical seeds. You remember the story of Jack in the Beanstalk, don’t you? Well these are also very special seeds that some (Native American) Indians gave to me. They will produce a crop of corn for popping. You do like pop corn don’t you?”

Well, of course I liked pop corn, especially in the big aluminium bowl that Mommy used to put it in and drizzle the butter and salt all over, then shake it up into the air to miss it well. But now I would have special pop corn that I grew myself.

The Precious Gift

I looked again at the seeds and closed the box carefully; hoping not to lose any and knowing Daddy would tell me how to plant them so they all grew into great bunches of popped corn.

The man left the car and closed the door and wandered away down a little lane way. My Daddy turned to me and asked me if I knew what that man was? And I said no, he was just a man.

He said, “That man is a hobo and he has no home and no family and no friends and no possessions but what he has on right now. So the gift of that popcorn is very precious indeed, because it represented all he has in the world.”

We planted those seeds in the spring. The popcorn from those seeds was the best tasting in the world. We harvested the seeds and replanted every year of my life while I was living at home.

The most important thing for me, however wasn’t how tasty the popcorn was. Instead, I thought of that man the rest of my life every time someone gave me a gift, thinking about the fact that it has nothing to do with the grandness of the gift itself, but the value of the heart of the giver. That Hobo had a most generous heart.

Best Wishes to You for 2009

The holidays have passed now and I can only hope you got something as valuable as magic popcorn to think about for this New Year.